THAT CRITICAL SNEEZE

Sunday morning I had poured myself another cup of coffee and made half an open-faced peanut butter sandwich for Hank. No, not that the dog is spoiled at all; it’s just a trick. His pain pill is underneath the peanut butter. As I was walking back to the bedroom to give the special sandwich to the dog, I felt a sneeze coming on. This was going to be a Lu-Lu, and I was already walking over the living room carpet. I paused, crossed my right leg over the left one and braced myself for the explosion. It was indeed a big sneeze, but I was successful in maintaining the peanut butter and bread in my right hand and the coffee cup in my left hand … all without spilling a drop, or depositing the open-faced peanut butter sandwich onto the carpet. And, HAH! No leak! I’ve become very good at this. All of my contemporary women friends will know what this means.

Another scenario would be when you are shopping at the local grocery store and you hear someone close by start to sneeze. You look up and see a woman close to your own age, (Baby Boomer age), and you know what’s going to happen. The woman has crossed one leg over the other and bends at the waist while holding on to the basket. AaaahhhhCHOOOOOOOO! A violent sneeze erupts. The woman straightens up and continues on. She is actually smiling as though nothing has happened or maybe that she’s fooled someone. Let the shopping continue.

Let me tell you, plenty has happened. I could tell you in stages. First of all, she’s had at least one or two big babies. She’s probably in her 40’s or older, has worked at a desk for the past 20 years and the muscles in the floor of her abdomen have weakened significantly. Denial has taken its place in admitting that there could be a leaky bladder control problem due to prolapsed innards. This is not uncommon at all, but most women prefer to just say nothing about it. Who are we kidding anyway? This happens to men as well. I’ve just never seen a guy go through any contortions trying to keep from “loosing it”, except for maybe his hand in his pocket.

When I finally admitted to my doctor that this could indeed be a problem, if not a down right embarrassment, he recommend that I "just do these simple Kegel exercises". He told me that these can be done anywhere, at any time. You just contract your PC (pelvis cavity) muscles until they get tired, and then repeat the exercise. The doctor told me that these muscles are a ham hock-like muscle. Well, that just gave the whole situation a whole lot more dignity, and made it harder for me to keep a straight face, now that I have that image. When I do the exercise, I can just envision a ham hock down there. The doctor was quick to correct me.

“It’s hammock-like, not ham-hock-like.”

These exercises are easier said than done. First of all, these exercises require a certain amount of concentration, and if you’ve ever observed anyone thinking very hard about something they are trying to do physically (especially if you can’t see what they are doing), it’s a dead give away.


I tried doing these contractions while driving down the road, caught a look at my face of concentration in the mirror. What a hoot! Didn’t know I could make such faces. After a while, I decided against doing these exercises while driving, when I imagined getting pulled over. Actually, I decided not to do them in public … ever!

Sorry officer. No, I’m not in pain. I was just doing some Kegel exercises, and I must not have seen that stop sign.

They (doctors) say there is a very simple office procedure to remedy this. They can actually string it back up where it belongs. It would permanently fix this leaky problem. However, there are no office procedures any more. First you are sent to a urologist, who then sends you for a battery of tests, and more specialists. When they’ve finally exhausted all extra curricular examination, they will schedule you for out-patient surgery. I've also seen a number of ads about medications for this.  Have you seen/listened to the disclaimers about these medications?  It;s enough to give you a bowel problem.  So, I'm calling my trusted OB/GYN to see what she says about this.   Enough about that part. I’ll expound on that at a later date.

Okay, back to the critical sneeze. Now that you know what’s going on when you see a woman standing in the middle of a room, one leg crossed over the other and doubled over; your job is to turn your head and pretend that you just don’t see it. OR, you could just nod at her acknowledging that you’ve been there and done that.

Well, I guess your reaction to that vision just depends … Yikes! That just sent a chill up my spine! NO! I don’t wear Depends yet…………………… Yet! And, YET is a very big word.
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